Why do I ask so many questions? Is it inquisitiveness? Or is it simply for my ego to get satisfied that it exists? For after all, unless there is a joy in doing something, why would anyone do it? That I ask questions – too many and too often, means that I get some joy. The other possibility is that I am obsessive compulsive – but would judgment lead to understanding?
Talking about joy – I get joy in doing a thing; I get joy in being with someone. I can either stop at that OR I can ask, “what is it that makes me joyful either with the thing / person / situation?” I see that I end up doing this all too often. “Oh, I like this person; then there is a pause; and then, “but why and what is different here?” Similarly I avoid a few things, a few people. Obviously, I have a block there and unless I become aware of the block, is there freedom for me?” Likewise, if I am not aware of the deeper import behind my likes, would I be free?
So what is this obsession with freedom? Granted that it is fascinating to know a bit more about myself; but does it mean that there be an obsession? Then, am I being “in the moment?” Talking about that, is it necessary to be “in the moment” every time? I ask this for I experience that whenever I find myself not in communion with myself, I get distressed. And then follow all attempts to be in the moment – breathing exercises, watching breath, energy drawing from universe etc. But is that not an obsession unto itself? The obsession to “be in the moment?”
Hey, but hang on, is it not right to pursue your own happiness? Everyone does that. Yes everyone does that, but that cannot be a justification for me to do what everyone does. It is easy to say, “he likes movies, so he goes for it; I like to be in the moment, so I do it.” But then I am doing what someone else is doing – without the application of my own self / my own agency. Then it is his life and not my life. Or is it that one experience of being in the moment creates a desire for it? Just like one taste of Kolkota Roshogulla created a desire for them?
But this scares me, for if I accept it, then, am I not a product of desire? Am I not being driven by it? The desire to “be in the moment”? And by that corollary, I might actually miss being in the moment. I was traveling by train this morning (like I usually do). The train was crowded. Sweat, humidity, heat, crowd all around. And I was irritated, upset. Out went my mind – blame the railways (for poor infrastructure); then it came inside – blame myself (for getting up late); then it decided to be in the moment – “relax Ashish. Observe what are you feeling? Blah. Blah.” And so, here I was, in this packed train, irritated to the core, and attempting self observation. Why – so that I can calm myself. What for? So that I can be in the moment! While actually in that moment, I was there – observing myself too.
Aha – so does that mean, that for me, “being in the moment” has a connotation of pleasure? Is it the pleasure of a previous past experience – like in meditation, in Who Am I, in ISABS lab, in pranayam, in deep introspection, in intense activity etc. And that I try to recreate it? So it is that my “being in the moment” actually is not that, but an attempt at re-creation of a past experience? Which means, it is an attempt to be in “a moment experience sometime which I crave for” So, Mr. Pant, “are you really free?”
Is the desire for being in the moment an escape from the moment? So what does it really mean “to be in the moment?”
Hey – again, you are asking a question. One after the other; and yet another…
Yes, but how does one do enquiry without asking question?
Exactly – but the next question is, “why do you want to do enquiry?”
Simple; so that I can get to the depth of it.
Why?
So that I can really understand?
Why?
So that it will not bother me again later on.
So you don’t want to be bothered?
Yes.
Aha – so that once it does not bother, you can “be with it” – person, event, thing?
Right.
So that means you want to “be in the moment?”
{Silence}
Rrrriiiiigggggtttttt.
Hey – but prior to asking question, was I not being in the moment? What stops me? And in all this who is present? That being who gets joy? Is that me or my ego?
Is this question too a question from me or my ego? I can see myself smiling, as the next question pops up, “When I say “my” it means something apart from me; so then what is my ego?”
Questions, questions and questions JJJ Right now in asking these, I experience being in the moment!!!
Talking about joy – I get joy in doing a thing; I get joy in being with someone. I can either stop at that OR I can ask, “what is it that makes me joyful either with the thing / person / situation?” I see that I end up doing this all too often. “Oh, I like this person; then there is a pause; and then, “but why and what is different here?” Similarly I avoid a few things, a few people. Obviously, I have a block there and unless I become aware of the block, is there freedom for me?” Likewise, if I am not aware of the deeper import behind my likes, would I be free?
So what is this obsession with freedom? Granted that it is fascinating to know a bit more about myself; but does it mean that there be an obsession? Then, am I being “in the moment?” Talking about that, is it necessary to be “in the moment” every time? I ask this for I experience that whenever I find myself not in communion with myself, I get distressed. And then follow all attempts to be in the moment – breathing exercises, watching breath, energy drawing from universe etc. But is that not an obsession unto itself? The obsession to “be in the moment?”
Hey, but hang on, is it not right to pursue your own happiness? Everyone does that. Yes everyone does that, but that cannot be a justification for me to do what everyone does. It is easy to say, “he likes movies, so he goes for it; I like to be in the moment, so I do it.” But then I am doing what someone else is doing – without the application of my own self / my own agency. Then it is his life and not my life. Or is it that one experience of being in the moment creates a desire for it? Just like one taste of Kolkota Roshogulla created a desire for them?
But this scares me, for if I accept it, then, am I not a product of desire? Am I not being driven by it? The desire to “be in the moment”? And by that corollary, I might actually miss being in the moment. I was traveling by train this morning (like I usually do). The train was crowded. Sweat, humidity, heat, crowd all around. And I was irritated, upset. Out went my mind – blame the railways (for poor infrastructure); then it came inside – blame myself (for getting up late); then it decided to be in the moment – “relax Ashish. Observe what are you feeling? Blah. Blah.” And so, here I was, in this packed train, irritated to the core, and attempting self observation. Why – so that I can calm myself. What for? So that I can be in the moment! While actually in that moment, I was there – observing myself too.
Aha – so does that mean, that for me, “being in the moment” has a connotation of pleasure? Is it the pleasure of a previous past experience – like in meditation, in Who Am I, in ISABS lab, in pranayam, in deep introspection, in intense activity etc. And that I try to recreate it? So it is that my “being in the moment” actually is not that, but an attempt at re-creation of a past experience? Which means, it is an attempt to be in “a moment experience sometime which I crave for” So, Mr. Pant, “are you really free?”
Is the desire for being in the moment an escape from the moment? So what does it really mean “to be in the moment?”
Hey – again, you are asking a question. One after the other; and yet another…
Yes, but how does one do enquiry without asking question?
Exactly – but the next question is, “why do you want to do enquiry?”
Simple; so that I can get to the depth of it.
Why?
So that I can really understand?
Why?
So that it will not bother me again later on.
So you don’t want to be bothered?
Yes.
Aha – so that once it does not bother, you can “be with it” – person, event, thing?
Right.
So that means you want to “be in the moment?”
{Silence}
Rrrriiiiigggggtttttt.
Hey – but prior to asking question, was I not being in the moment? What stops me? And in all this who is present? That being who gets joy? Is that me or my ego?
Is this question too a question from me or my ego? I can see myself smiling, as the next question pops up, “When I say “my” it means something apart from me; so then what is my ego?”
Questions, questions and questions JJJ Right now in asking these, I experience being in the moment!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment