The Daily Muse | A dialogue and enquiry with my fear | 19th Apr. '09

I am scared. I just got in touch with it. Yesterday's muse was on what had occupied me. It still occupies me, albeit in a different way.

I was angry yesterday; I am scared today. Scared because as I was analysing and exploring my anger, I realised that I have no answers. And having no answers makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel incomplete. In that incompletion is my fear.

I was restless. So I picked up a JK book and searched for the topic of fear. If he has spoken about it. And right enough, he has.

"Fear exists in the conflict of opposites. The worship of success brings the fear of failure. Fear is the process of the mind in the struggle of becoming. In becoming good, there is the fear of evil; in being complete, there is the fear of loneliness; in becoming great, there is the fear of being small. Comparison is not understanding; it is prompted by fear of the unknown in relation to the known. Fear is uncertainty in search of security."

(J. Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living - First Series, Fear, p163, Penguin Publishers).

But my fear also is deeper. It started the moment, a question popped in my head, "fine, all this happened; what next? What do you want to do? You asserted yourself; the matter is over. What do you want to do now?"

The answer is obvious - move on. That's what I want to do. For that is freedom. Being stuck in the past moment is painful. I find that I don't enjoy the joy of where and what I am right now by being in the past. But to let go, I have to let go also of some of the animosity that came along with within me. In the process of standing up for myself and resisting, I also shaped a part of me which would resist not just the issue, but the person too.

Being stuck where I was, they remain the same. But when I move, they too move. And then I have no issue, no grudge. And it starts with a fresh slate. It also means forgiving - for whatever
transgressions that may have happened. It means willing to let go of my own need for being treated in a particular way.

And that thought of forgiveness gives me fear. What if I am subsequently overwhelmed by them? What if people take advantage of me? And then immediately, I see myself doing an intellectual flight of defence, "Am I really the one to forgive? Who can forgive - only the one with strength; oh, so does that mean that I am not strong?"

Forgiveness is not only letting go of the attachment with the other, but also of the attachment within. It is not about an issue or a person; it is about my own structure and "should". There is a reality of hurt; at the same time, there is a possibility of forgiveness.

Aha - I think JK has a point when he says that fear exists only in relation between the known and the unknown. The unknown here for me is the future of the relationship in question. How will my colleagues be? What will it be like? What all dialogues will have to take place? What all emotions would need to be expressed and managed? What will I be like?

In the safety of, "I am right", there is great security. And the thought of stepping out of it makes me feel vulnerable. Scared. In where I stand, there is safety of holding on to something that is there right now. In letting go, there is the expanse of the unknown. And that is my fear. Understanding - yes, that is the word.

I just felt a silence after I had typed the last para. A dialogue within me that was going on; and writing as a process of clarifying the dialogue to myself. I guess it is true that understanding of "what is" leads to freedom.

So back to the question. Am I willing to let go? Am I willing to be vulnerable? The intuitive answer now leaps out a big "Yes".

What about the fear? Is it still there? Yes - it still is there. But now I understand it. The same fears exist - will I be shortchanged; will I be taken advantage of?

But why are those questions there? What is the relation between forgiveness / letting go and the fear of being taken advantage of? In saying the latter, where am I being? My reference frame is still of the past. Of the moment when a display of strength was needed?

Why is this need to display strength?
So that all around do not take me lightly?
But why?
Well, so that I am not pushed around?
Who pushes you around?

My fingers have paused here: I dread to see the answer. Which is obvious. If I say others, the
question is, 'who gave them that power?' And so it comes back to me. That I allow myself to be pushed around? Or is it that I push myself around?

What is the fear in being pushed around? Well, it just changes my concept of who I am. When I say, being pushed around, I refer to being different every time. And there is security in stability. In being what I am every time. But is that called living in the moment?

I took a long pause here and am back now typing further. That pause was a long pause of stillness - of some clicks in the head. As if some glass jig-saw puzzle pieces are moving in and producing a light 'click'. In that stillness, I was raw - emotional, vulnerable. And paradoxically, strong. Strong is not the right word. How do I describe the feeling of a stillness in the pit of the stomach? And in that moment nothing else matters - absolutely nothing. There is no need for a solution, no need to ask a question, no need to dwell on the past, and no need to dwell on the future. That is the feeling. I don't have the word - and I don't care.

I have experienced many a time earlier also. And so far, I would always say, "In my moments of greatest vulnerability, have been my greatest strengths."

I am not quite sure today about it. It is neither a moment of co-existence both nor is it a moment of absence of both. Both vulnerability and strength were present, and yet they were not.

Does is matter? I would just like to be with myself right now. The enquiry for now takes a pause.

Auf Wiedersehen.