What is anger? What causes it? What is the root within that projects out anger? These and more are some questions that I have.
For, I was upset and angry yesterday. I had a huge row with a few colleagues. The specifics are not important (for this blog). But what is of meaning is that at the end of whole thing, I myself was surprised by the intensity of my anger. And that is what sets me thinking.
That I was angry, is not surprising to me. I was indeed upset over what was going on in the room. That there would be a tiff was not news to me - it just had to happen one day. In the name of "professional" behaviour, we mask our emotions and thereby the real issues - be at home or work. Emotions are not bad - we have to learn how to deal with them. And an emotions is not permanent - just like logic is not.
Well, I digressed. Back to my anger. What surprised me (and still does) is the intensity or ferocity of the anger. I am myself puzzled. As of course are quite a few of my colleagues. "You could become THIS angry - I never knew!" was one such comment. Well, yes - it has been quite a while since I was "THIS" angry!
Perhaps it might help to reflect and study on the moment. What happened in that moment of anger? I experienced agitation, trembling in the body, thirst in the stomach, readiness to give a jab - all aspects that i realised even then. Something that my graduation in life sciences teaches as "Adrenaline surge" - a fight or flight response.
But what happened mentally? I experienced being taken for granted; being pushed to the wall. And I had to resist. Frankly, I actually feel very very good that I resisted. And it was one solid hard resistance - a big smashing cut in a boxing match that knocks off the opponent stunned for a while. It feels good. Not the act of hitting out; but the act of resisting and standing up for myself.
I also feel good to note changes in me. Of not willing to hold on - to let the moment pass. I realised that the language at one moment that I used was not appropriate. So I've apologised to the concerned. And I feel good that I am able to differentiate that apology from what is still unacceptable to me. I can only clean up my backyard - I can't clean up the others! Having cleaned up mine, I am eager to move ahead.
I normally take life easily. Between a few heated words, it does not do any good to reply to every thing bit for bit. One can just let go. As I write, I recollect what I read in one book about teaching from the Mahabharata: that the middle path is important. Too much of goodness without self-assertion, leads to no good. It only encourages what should not be encouraged. Thus, too much of niceness from me also is not too good I guess.
Does that mean, I will be a nasty fellow from tomorrow? No! No way. But yes, where need be I will stand up for myself. As I have tried to do. What is important to me is not the "what", but the "how", albeit relatively. How do I stand up for myself is important. And which is why this reflection - how did I become "so" angry?
I have no answers, but only questions - that I throw up to the universe.
What is that hot spot that got triggered yesterday? Was there a projection or introjection involved? Was that a momentary spurt or is there something deep within that needs a closer and more attentive gaze?
In some form, I might get my answers; in some form, a leap beyond the need for answers :-).
Remember that quote from Aristotle:
"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy."
What bothers me is that I am not sure if I had the right degree and right way - the rest I am clear on. Ah - it helps...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Musings on self | Meaningful Reflections | 18th Apr. '09
I was cleaning up my mailbox, and chanced upon a mail that I had sent to quite a few of my friends quite sometime back (last year). I had been through a few intense human processes at that moment of time, and had shared my reflections.
Reading them again, I found them meaningful and relevant even now. So I paste them here. The manner of writing is inspired from Carl Rogers:
1. It is not necessary to be a facilitator; what is important is to be a facilitative person.
2. If I run after a professional membership (of ISABS), it will elude me; if I try to be a person, it will be rewarding in itself (whether I become a professional member or not).
3. You don't become perfect after becoming a professional member.
4. The challenge is to reach a stage of "reflection in action" – that is something rewarding in itself.
5. I cannot hope to change myself by making action plans; nor can I change myself by lazing around – the key perhaps lies in accepting and then transcending.
6. Acceptance is not merely acknowledging and taking it as part of you, but not having judgments about it.
7. We will forever be lonely in life; I can fight being alone, but I cannot fight loneliness. Loneliness is not about not being with someone; it is about not enjoying my own company enough.
8. It is ok to be weak – so seek care and nurture. I am a human being and as long as I keep an overall perspective on growth, accepting weakness of the moment is not a digression.
9. In fact, some of the moments that gave me maximum strength and sparked a fire within me that burns have been those where I have been the most vulnerable.
10. I am willing to be hurt. Resisting or trying to be strong does not help.
11. "Process" is neither positive nor negative – it is my own judgment and connotation that makes it positive or negative.
12. Accepting myself for who I am and what I am is the most difficult task. The struggle continues. As soon as I accept one thing / aspect of myself, another one crops up.
13. Self growth is a never ending journey. And at times it is tiring – perhaps that is when I need to stop looking at it as a task to be accomplished. I cannot (not yet) and want to win over that freckle or the irritating part of me.
14. Reality has multiple faces – what you see could be different from mine. Accepting that multiple faces is not easy.
15. Personal growth is a question of choice made at that moment. Sometimes it is ok to choose to not grow – perhaps I need that stability at that moment. I should choose my growth path.
16. No moment is ever lost or does not come again – the karmic cycle comes, albeit delayed.
17. All "processes" are not ends in themselves. The attitude of, "how can I benefit from this" reaps rewards than, "I need to imbibe this process". Fanaticism of all forms does not help.
Today's additions:
18. Emotions are with me all the time. My willingness to acknowledge them is the first step to understanding them. In doing so, I understand myself.
19. Acknowledging and understanding of emotions is not only about "what " is happening to me, but "how"? What are the triggers, the hot-spots of mine and thereby what are the life scripts that I have and I live on?
20. Being "in the moment" is tough - considering that there is a life script that I tend to slip back onto so easily.
21. Sometimes, life is all about simply sitting still, have the wind ruffle your hair, a sense of contentment as a fed cat - with nothing to "do" the next moment. When the urge to chase (either the world or my own self development) has been silenced: in that moment lies the potential of transcendence.
Reading them again, I found them meaningful and relevant even now. So I paste them here. The manner of writing is inspired from Carl Rogers:
1. It is not necessary to be a facilitator; what is important is to be a facilitative person.
2. If I run after a professional membership (of ISABS), it will elude me; if I try to be a person, it will be rewarding in itself (whether I become a professional member or not).
3. You don't become perfect after becoming a professional member.
4. The challenge is to reach a stage of "reflection in action" – that is something rewarding in itself.
5. I cannot hope to change myself by making action plans; nor can I change myself by lazing around – the key perhaps lies in accepting and then transcending.
6. Acceptance is not merely acknowledging and taking it as part of you, but not having judgments about it.
7. We will forever be lonely in life; I can fight being alone, but I cannot fight loneliness. Loneliness is not about not being with someone; it is about not enjoying my own company enough.
8. It is ok to be weak – so seek care and nurture. I am a human being and as long as I keep an overall perspective on growth, accepting weakness of the moment is not a digression.
9. In fact, some of the moments that gave me maximum strength and sparked a fire within me that burns have been those where I have been the most vulnerable.
10. I am willing to be hurt. Resisting or trying to be strong does not help.
11. "Process" is neither positive nor negative – it is my own judgment and connotation that makes it positive or negative.
12. Accepting myself for who I am and what I am is the most difficult task. The struggle continues. As soon as I accept one thing / aspect of myself, another one crops up.
13. Self growth is a never ending journey. And at times it is tiring – perhaps that is when I need to stop looking at it as a task to be accomplished. I cannot (not yet) and want to win over that freckle or the irritating part of me.
14. Reality has multiple faces – what you see could be different from mine. Accepting that multiple faces is not easy.
15. Personal growth is a question of choice made at that moment. Sometimes it is ok to choose to not grow – perhaps I need that stability at that moment. I should choose my growth path.
16. No moment is ever lost or does not come again – the karmic cycle comes, albeit delayed.
17. All "processes" are not ends in themselves. The attitude of, "how can I benefit from this" reaps rewards than, "I need to imbibe this process". Fanaticism of all forms does not help.
Today's additions:
18. Emotions are with me all the time. My willingness to acknowledge them is the first step to understanding them. In doing so, I understand myself.
19. Acknowledging and understanding of emotions is not only about "what " is happening to me, but "how"? What are the triggers, the hot-spots of mine and thereby what are the life scripts that I have and I live on?
20. Being "in the moment" is tough - considering that there is a life script that I tend to slip back onto so easily.
21. Sometimes, life is all about simply sitting still, have the wind ruffle your hair, a sense of contentment as a fed cat - with nothing to "do" the next moment. When the urge to chase (either the world or my own self development) has been silenced: in that moment lies the potential of transcendence.
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