Muse for the Day | 11th May '09 | 'Trishanku' In Quest

I straddle 2 worlds. And I find it odd. Actually I don't. I am learning. That both stake claim to me. And yet paradoxically, neither defines me.

I work in South Mumbai, a posh residential area and prime work locale. Office is characterised by colleagues who have what you would call 'finesse'. There are of course a few dark horses like me who are learning the ropes. Yes. There is this aspiration within. To be part of that world. Yet, the more I have tried to be that, the more I distanced myself from me. My own inner self. Somehow, despite all efforts, some facade creeps in. Let me be careful to say that I do not say this of others but of myself.

Somewhere the touch of the earth is lost. In the manner of dress, of style, the base instincts get metamorphosed. They become subtle. In becoming suave, the spontaneity is lost. There is a 'measuredness' in the tone of voice, the expression of thoughts, the deportment of conduct. The child within is attenuated. As if a royal family child denied the environ.

And at night time, it is the reverse. The train ride, the crossing of creek, the walk from station to home, the interaction with vendors - it is an altogether different ball game. There is a sense of freedom. My sensibility baulks at the sight of a man walking carefree on the road wearing just a vest over his pants. Yet, I can't stop a smile when I see that. There is a sense of respect I have for that man too.


He is carefree. Not bothered about what you or I would think of him. He is blase to judgments. He is his own being. Given the humid heat, I too wish, I was in a far comfortable clothing. But I have some culture drilled onto me. The pedestrian is a sight. Of awe, of freedom. As I walked back today, I stopped by at my regular grocer. He was calm. His son sitting happily and chatting. His wife cutting coriander leaves (perhaps for dinner) with a smile on her face. He does not have much, but he seems to smile much more than I see folks do (including myself) at work.

I find it a paradox as I can relate to both of them. And yet neither one defines me. I feel like an 'in-betweener' if such a word exists. I was born and brought up in a small town place in India. The rusticity, the expression of emotions, the general purposelessness (not in a pejorative way, but in terms of non hankering for power), the silent acceptance of destiny, the will to strive and achieve, the need to save, the denial of pleasure in the moment (for a future), willingness to accommodate (if you want to experience it, find out by traveling in 1st class vs. 2nd class compartment in a Mumbai suburban local); I can see parts within me.

Crossing the creek (ah, the expression makes another sense to me now), I admire myself in polished shoes, ironed shirts, odour free body, the personal space (and non intrusion into my life). Talking about 'crossing the creek', my train crosses the creek to reach from Mumbai mainland to Navi Mumbai. But in ways more than one, I actually cross the creek.

So where do I stand? As I said, I can identify myself with both - aspects of it, yet neither of them defines me. So why is it a subject of muse? Because, when neither defines me, there is no security. There is a quest for identity.

I don't fit in perfectly in either - so I seek those who might be similarly in between 2 worlds. The same applies to all other spheres. I am as they say a 'Trishanku'. In Quest.

Muse | On washing clothes, awareness | 3rd May '09

A forward once from a friend had it that we are here to learn lessons in life. And that we will keep getting things back till we learn the lesson.

I just completed washing clothes. Mind you - this is not the modern version of washing machine et. al. But the traditional ritual. Dip the clothes in a bucket of water, and then wash them. This is one thing in life (as far back as I can remember), I did not like. Rather, must confess, that I hated washing clothes. They were such a bore. But the universe time after time, provided me with situations where I had to wash them. Week after week. All on my own - poor me!

Now the paradox. Today, I am in a position to buy a washing machine. More than that, I have the space to keep one. But I am not inclined to buy one. "Why waste so much of water?" That's one thought. "Washing machines are good for sturdy big clothes, but not for delicate ones!" Ah - old wives tale; or should I say in my case, young bachelor's tales!

Let me confess, I have grown fond of washing clothes. You see, it is part of my structure now. If I don't spend an hour or two doing that over the weekend, what will I do? The joy of finding out the right amount of "soapiness" in water after the detergent - does wonders to my sense of ego as the personal agent! The joy of watching my own self, your my thoughts as I wash clothes.

Thoughts - well, that sets me thinking. They say that in our most private moments, our real self (or an aspect thereof) reveals itself to us. Washing clothes is an intensely private activity. With nothing between me and my clothes. Just the awareness.

Awareness - did I use that word. Am I aware of my thoughts as I wash my clothes? Or for that matter as I do anything? Am I aware of how my hands move, how the muscles contort to provide the rubbing action, how much water am I utilising? Are these trivial questions?

There is the story of a Zen master who for 10 years practiced Zen. One day, he goes to visit another master. He enters his hut and as he sits, the master (2nd one) asks him, "So, where did you keep your umbrella as you came in - to the right or to the left of the door?" The Zen master was embarrassed - he did not know the answer. And so he chose the 2nd man as his master and studied Zen under him - AGAIN!

Awareness. So what is awareness? How different is it from 'alertness'? A soldier on the battle front too is aware - or is he alert? I guess (and I am not sure) that awareness has to do with a sense of recognition of the present moment, without a judgment or a desire to act. Alertness is the sense of not just recognition of the present, but an anticipation of the future.

Ah. Definitions. How convenient is it for humans to provide a structure, a definition, a name - to box things. "Thingification" - as Kantha (my HR guru) calls it.

So where was I? On washing clothes? Was I aware or was I alert as I wrote this? And now you know why I like washing clothes now? It is an intensely private activity. And I can be with myself.

Myself - did I say myself! Does that mean "my-self" or "my thoughts"? What is it that I like and have grown fond of? My narcissism on the "enhanced self awareness while washing clothes"? That perhaps is for another blog :-)

Muse for the day | On Abundance | 2nd May '09

Managing abundance is not easy. I just realised this. Having wished for abundance, I have it now - the abundance of time at least as I see it.

For the past some time, time just creates itself for me. Vacations coming on the way. Though going forward, I can see no further vacations for a while.

Back to abundance. I am wondering. Have I utilised this time well? Do I do so? Three days have gone by and one more day to go. What did I do? Aha - the natural propensity is to ask about "doing something."

I have this mental makeup that I can see. I have "to do" something in order to feel that time has been properly utilised. So time for me is a utility - to be utilised. We choose our words based on what we feel about issues / objects / things / ideas. If I accept that statement to be true, then this is what I feel about time. And this stems of course from the way I have been born and brought up - to use time. Time is a linear entity. Once it goes, it goes. And then what. Then the next time moment comes. So here am I sitting on a beautiful Saturday evening wondering about how well have I used the past three days.

Let me see what all did I do. I slept. Lots. Oh, it has been bliss. I read - stuff on Advaita Vedanta that I like reading. A friend of mine came over for a while today. I cleaned up the house. I washed my clothes (round one, another round due), I did some office work (some more pending that I had carried over for the long weekend). And yet, there is this feeling. Could I have done more? Surely, I could have. Like gone out of the house; met up with friends; chosen the curtains for my house; washed even more clothes (perhaps ironed them for good measure), completed my ISABS logs and what not.

But where am I right now? Where was I when I did what I did and did not do what I did not do? I was enjoying. I loved sleeping. I loved meeting my friend. I loved reading. But I must also admit that I also carried behind in the head a small tape recorder that said, 'XYZ is incomplete; PQR needs attention...'

Voices, voices, voices - sigh, voices all the way in the back of the head. Which voice is to be heard and which one to be ignored?

Abundance - I meander a lot. Back to that word. So where am I right now? I am thinking of my relation with time, with abundance. Managing paucity is easy. Actually, paucity manages you - its the other way round. But not so with abundance. How do I manage it?

Before that, 'is it a thing that needs to be managed?' Or is it something that is just there? I want to manage it - being a manager in professional life, has its rub on effect on other spheres of life! Feels like being in control! Bingo - that's the word. So that's what I have been after. Control - caught you young man. I need control of the world, of my things. Things that I think are mine. So the time is mine. And so is money. Gets me to another relations that I am wondering - when will there be abundance with money.

Actually, as I write this, I am getting more and more in touch with how I actually avoid abundance. When it comes, I want to manage it. I want to 'do' something about it - I want to control it. I want to make it my handmaiden. And I don't think that is what the universe wants.

Money. Is that why the universe is holding back - wanting me to learn how to handle abundance first before providing it in abundance :-)