Muse for the Day | 11th May '09 | 'Trishanku' In Quest

I straddle 2 worlds. And I find it odd. Actually I don't. I am learning. That both stake claim to me. And yet paradoxically, neither defines me.

I work in South Mumbai, a posh residential area and prime work locale. Office is characterised by colleagues who have what you would call 'finesse'. There are of course a few dark horses like me who are learning the ropes. Yes. There is this aspiration within. To be part of that world. Yet, the more I have tried to be that, the more I distanced myself from me. My own inner self. Somehow, despite all efforts, some facade creeps in. Let me be careful to say that I do not say this of others but of myself.

Somewhere the touch of the earth is lost. In the manner of dress, of style, the base instincts get metamorphosed. They become subtle. In becoming suave, the spontaneity is lost. There is a 'measuredness' in the tone of voice, the expression of thoughts, the deportment of conduct. The child within is attenuated. As if a royal family child denied the environ.

And at night time, it is the reverse. The train ride, the crossing of creek, the walk from station to home, the interaction with vendors - it is an altogether different ball game. There is a sense of freedom. My sensibility baulks at the sight of a man walking carefree on the road wearing just a vest over his pants. Yet, I can't stop a smile when I see that. There is a sense of respect I have for that man too.


He is carefree. Not bothered about what you or I would think of him. He is blase to judgments. He is his own being. Given the humid heat, I too wish, I was in a far comfortable clothing. But I have some culture drilled onto me. The pedestrian is a sight. Of awe, of freedom. As I walked back today, I stopped by at my regular grocer. He was calm. His son sitting happily and chatting. His wife cutting coriander leaves (perhaps for dinner) with a smile on her face. He does not have much, but he seems to smile much more than I see folks do (including myself) at work.

I find it a paradox as I can relate to both of them. And yet neither one defines me. I feel like an 'in-betweener' if such a word exists. I was born and brought up in a small town place in India. The rusticity, the expression of emotions, the general purposelessness (not in a pejorative way, but in terms of non hankering for power), the silent acceptance of destiny, the will to strive and achieve, the need to save, the denial of pleasure in the moment (for a future), willingness to accommodate (if you want to experience it, find out by traveling in 1st class vs. 2nd class compartment in a Mumbai suburban local); I can see parts within me.

Crossing the creek (ah, the expression makes another sense to me now), I admire myself in polished shoes, ironed shirts, odour free body, the personal space (and non intrusion into my life). Talking about 'crossing the creek', my train crosses the creek to reach from Mumbai mainland to Navi Mumbai. But in ways more than one, I actually cross the creek.

So where do I stand? As I said, I can identify myself with both - aspects of it, yet neither of them defines me. So why is it a subject of muse? Because, when neither defines me, there is no security. There is a quest for identity.

I don't fit in perfectly in either - so I seek those who might be similarly in between 2 worlds. The same applies to all other spheres. I am as they say a 'Trishanku'. In Quest.