Musings on Self | Reflections on "learning" | 25th Apr. '09

I am learning – from the child. Perhaps, I have stopped learning all this while; and after a few hard knocks, life is providing me with a moment to redeem myself.

I saw my nephew after almost a year and he has grown. Lovely and adorable he is; and totally “in the moment”. At 1.5 years of age, he is all of himself. He wants something, he goes and grabs for it. There is nothing between he and his immediate need. He needs mom, he shouts out; he needs dad, he shouts out.

Not to say that he is all innocent. He is shrewd too. If Dad scolds him, he starts making a sorrowful face and goes to his mom. His mom and dad of course realize his. What I find most revealing is how he keeps his face ready after he has done something. If there is appreciation forthcoming, he will display a big grin; if a frown is the response, he will turn it to a sorrowful face. And in that face, you can’t help but laugh and love him.

I had read all this while in child development how children learn. And learn they do so fast. Sets me thinking – I too was a child once. And this is how I learnt! So what was my free will? Save the immediate action of the moment; but after the reaction that came towards me, I altered myself. My own meaning was overshadowed by the conditioning. Yes, as part of growing up it was necessary for me. had I been let near a fire, I would have burnt myself. But it is not just the fire. In the process, I ignored my own fire. The fire within that I slowly now reclaim.

What is choice? This little one chooses – and everything that comes his way. He sees something new, explores it and then leaves it. I saw this and this blog came to me. What do I do? I see something; desire it; strive for it; and if I don’t get it, spend a lifetime doing something ‘correctional’. And that applies to anything. If I have done something I would not be too proud of, I carry it within me, with a smart question, “what is forgiveness?” – all this without attempting self forgiveness. And when I don’t forgive myself, how can I forgive the other?

Another question that strikes me is, “what is freedom?” “How free am I?” I look at this little one. He does what he wants (most of the times he is successful unless it is a life threatening situation). He teaches me there too. He is not ruffled too much by what has happened a moment before. He may have been scolded or loved a while ago, but that does not stop him from going out and exploring something in front – even if he has seen it before. He is free – of the moment of the past. Am I? Guess not – considering that seeing him, I asked this question of myself.

I remember a story I had read somewhere. A learned man was once asked by someone (like me) on what “freedom” is? “How free is indeed a human being?” The wise man asked him to stand on one leg and raise the other from the ground. The man did. The wise man then asked him to raise the other leg too – and the man was foxed. That is how free we are.

So how free am I? Freedom to me now has two meanings. The freedom “to act” and the freedom “to be”. The wise man’s question applies to the former. To the latter, I suppose (am still not very sure) it is about choice – like the one my nephew makes. To let go of the past moment (with no thought of the future) and be where he is.

I am also in deep reflection over what I see his struggles (and in that my own) of learning the laws. He did not mind the hazards of fire or electricity or anything like that. So he would go and touch everything. Either by force of experience or by forceful admonishment, he has learnt that it is safe to stay away from things that mom and dad call out with, “No – garam (Hindi for "hot"); or No – current”. The question to me is, “does his ignorance of the nature and law of the physical sciences stop the law from impacting him?” No. A fire burns, irrespective of whether you or I know that it burns. It is then for us to find out what is what.

So I get some hard knocks in life. I cry out – am not too happy. Is there something there that I have not yet learnt about the law. The law that operates in the realm of action is perhaps different from the law that applies to physical sciences. I think so – and life seems to be turning me towards that to teach me. I had this image of life as a signalman at the railway junction, gently moving a lever to move the train onto another track. Each track is learning – and life is changing a track for me. The question I have is, “am I willing to surrender and let be guided?” “Am I free to drive wherever I want to?” “Or perhaps, in all humility accept that neither do I make the rules for train or car driving.” These rules exist – and to learn to drive a car or a train, I need to learn the laws. I am free to learn how to drive the car or a train, albeit within the rules (the law governing that realm).

And I find that it is not easy for me to accept this. I am learning – that at times, I am not willing to learn!

Musings on Self | Questions on Questions | 21st Apr. '09

"How can you say that?" She looked at me incredulously. "I mean so openly. To share that requires... (her voice trailed off)."

What had I said?

That in my past I had relationships on the basis of 'kick me' philosophy. That I would go only 'this far' and after that let go? That while I said what I said, I invited rejection!

We had started talking about 'Who Am I'. I did the seminar (actually no word is a right word for it be it workshop or seminar or whatever). On the spur of the moment I asked her weekend plans. And she said nothing. I extended the invite to join in for the WAI.

What is it about? What does he teach? Is it religious? How do they organise it? When all is it held? So many questions.

So what does asking questions signify? Another question. I too ask too many questions. Under normal circumstances questioning is a symbol of seeking. Of the urge to know. But why does it then become self limiting for me at times? When I feel stuck as if at an impasse. With only frustration and anxiety.

So then there are two types of questions. One of the inquiry kind. The other of the inquisition kind. When I enquire, I am full of wonderment. Eager to absorb. When in inquisition, I am all set to prove. And I will only believe you when I have proof.

So do I really experience?