Muse | The Quest | The Search | 22nd Jul. '09

A quest – a search. For oneself – for meaning and purpose.

I find a paradox in me. Things that excited me do not excite me any more. Sometimes I ask myself a question, “Am I queer? Am I different from others?” Then other times there is this refrain within, “Why can’t I be like the way others are.” “Why do I have to think so much?” Yet, even without trying, thoughts simply come.

What is the purpose of my existence? I know in intuitive way, that it is about healing. Healing the self and in that providing a safe outlet for a few others to heal. I don’t know if that sounds pompous.

There are two planes I live in. And at times I judge myself as an imposter in both. For I don’t live both of them together; nor do I live them…. There is one within that gets happy with the little things. For e.g., we just returned from Bombay Gym where a few of my colleagues were taken by my boss for lunch. It was good being there – the gentry, the works, the civilization etc. yet, the moment, I stepped out of it, the question comes to haunt me, “for what?” But it is this former me that takes joy in buying a neat little cufflink, in picking up some good stuff, in buying and savouring a good Scotch, in

Then there is the other which really questions all of this. I was sharing with a colleague of mine and she got concerned. The question that haunts me is, “for what?” The funny part is that in my mental scheme of things, either there has to be a negative push from the current situation or a positive pull from a desired future for action to happen. Yet, I find that I have neither circumstance in my life currently. I work with pleasure and I rest with pleasure. Even though I am happy, I do not find contentment.

Is it simply another phase of life? I don’t know. I used to feel like Siddhartha earlier – in quest. But now while I am like Siddhartha, I do not feel like him.

I feel like myself – different. In quest.