The Daily Muse | On Anger and Myself | 18th Apr. '09

What is anger? What causes it? What is the root within that projects out anger? These and more are some questions that I have.

For, I was upset and angry yesterday. I had a huge row with a few colleagues. The specifics are not important (for this blog). But what is of meaning is that at the end of whole thing, I myself was surprised by the intensity of my anger. And that is what sets me thinking.

That I was angry, is not surprising to me. I was indeed upset over what was going on in the room. That there would be a tiff was not news to me - it just had to happen one day. In the name of "professional" behaviour, we mask our emotions and thereby the real issues - be at home or work. Emotions are not bad - we have to learn how to deal with them. And an emotions is not permanent - just like logic is not.

Well, I digressed. Back to my anger. What surprised me (and still does) is the intensity or ferocity of the anger. I am myself puzzled. As of course are quite a few of my colleagues. "You could become THIS angry - I never knew!" was one such comment. Well, yes - it has been quite a while since I was "THIS" angry!

Perhaps it might help to reflect and study on the moment. What happened in that moment of anger? I experienced agitation, trembling in the body, thirst in the stomach, readiness to give a jab - all aspects that i realised even then. Something that my graduation in life sciences teaches as "Adrenaline surge" - a fight or flight response.

But what happened mentally? I experienced being taken for granted; being pushed to the wall. And I had to resist. Frankly, I actually feel very very good that I resisted. And it was one solid hard resistance - a big smashing cut in a boxing match that knocks off the opponent stunned for a while. It feels good. Not the act of hitting out; but the act of resisting and standing up for myself.

I also feel good to note changes in me. Of not willing to hold on - to let the moment pass. I realised that the language at one moment that I used was not appropriate. So I've apologised to the concerned. And I feel good that I am able to differentiate that apology from what is still unacceptable to me. I can only clean up my backyard - I can't clean up the others! Having cleaned up mine, I am eager to move ahead.

I normally take life easily. Between a few heated words, it does not do any good to reply to every thing bit for bit. One can just let go. As I write, I recollect what I read in one book about teaching from the Mahabharata: that the middle path is important. Too much of goodness without self-assertion, leads to no good. It only encourages what should not be encouraged. Thus, too much of niceness from me also is not too good I guess.

Does that mean, I will be a nasty fellow from tomorrow? No! No way. But yes, where need be I will stand up for myself. As I have tried to do. What is important to me is not the "what", but the "how", albeit relatively. How do I stand up for myself is important. And which is why this reflection - how did I become "so" angry?

I have no answers, but only questions - that I throw up to the universe.

What is that hot spot that got triggered yesterday? Was there a projection or introjection involved? Was that a momentary spurt or is there something deep within that needs a closer and more attentive gaze?

In some form, I might get my answers; in some form, a leap beyond the need for answers :-).

Remember that quote from Aristotle:

"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy."

What bothers me is that I am not sure if I had the right degree and right way - the rest I am clear on. Ah - it helps...