Mse | Redemption | 29th Oct. '09

It is sad how impulses and conditioning take over life. How we deaden ourselves to things in life and don’t live moment to moment: alive to possibilities, sensitive to the universe. Feel a sense of burden.

Where do I begin? It was an office lunch out – the whole team had gone out for lunch. As is normal, while returning, people returned back in small groups – chatting and walking. I too was with one group – with three colleagues. And from nowhere, from one corner, a voice cried out, ‘…saabh, khana khila do…’ (sir, please feed me). We all ignored that voice and continued walking. As I was walking past, she tugged the sleeves of my shirt. I shrugged off and walked off – without even looking at her. After I had done that, from the corner of my eye, I saw her – it was a old face. A sad face. And a desperate face. A toothless woman begging. A woman with no possessions in life – abandoned by hope and life…

But it was as if my sanskara (‘propensities / tendencies’) were leading me. I had already shrugged her off – and walked ahead. And then the realization dawned on me. A bit late: just like things strike (mentally) the protagonist of a Bollywood masala movie after the train has chugged off and a good-bye wave is reciprocated by another good-bye wave at the platform. But in Hindi movies, the train stops, the protagonist gets down and redemption happens.

Suddenly it stuck me – the voice had pierced within my heart and I did not realize it then. The woman indeed was hungry. And I felt ashamed. Worried. Sick. By then I had reached office. The thought kept troubling me. And then it dawned on me. That she felt compelled to tug my sleeve because I must have given that vibe. I was offered this opportunity by the cosmos – the opportunity to feed a hungry soul. We can quibble about it, but deep down in the heart, each one of us knows the intent behind a voice (if we listen deep down). And deep down a voice told me: the old woman was indeed hungry. So I walked back – to find the woman and feed her.

As a principle, I normally do not give money, but take a beggar (esp. if he/she is begging for food) to the nearest eating joint. That too I learnt from my sister ages ago. A few rupees feeds a hungry person and costs me nothing. In fact each one of us on an average had spent money on one lunch that would have bought the woman 10 days meals.

Do I call it my misfortune? She was not there. I searched the whole lane. But she was not there. She just seemed to have vanished. As if she had been an incarnation to remind me about life.

Crestfallen, I came back – to my desk. And as you can see I write this muse. A muse to myself – with a silent prayer of forgiveness and redemption…