Muse | In Quest | 31st Jul. '09

A quest – a search. For oneself – for meaning and purpose…

I find a paradox in me. Things that excited me do not excite me any more. Sometimes I ask myself a question, “Am I queer? Am I different from others?” Then other times there is this refrain within, “Why can’t I be like the way others are.” “Why do I have to think so much?” But I still know that it is part of me.

What is the purpose of my existence? At intuitive level, I know it is about "healing."

There are two planes I live in. And at times I judge myself as an imposter in both. For I don’t live both of them together; nor do I live them…. There is one within me that gets happy with the little things. For e.g., the other day we had gone to Bombay Gym for lunch – hosted courtesy my boss; today it was another place. It does feel good being there – the gentry, the works, the civilization etc. Yet, the moment, I step out, the question comes to haunt me, “for what?” There is one aspect of me that takes joy in buying a neat little cuff link, in picking up some good stuff, in buying and savouring a good Scotch, in just being “suave”. And then there is this other, that just has utter disregard for all this – this is so fake and fleeting.

It is this other that really questions all the little pleasures of life. I was sharing with a colleague of mine and she got concerned. The question that haunts me is, “for what?” The funny part is that in my mental scheme of things, either there has to be a negative push from the current situation or a positive pull from a desired future for action to happen. Yet, I find that I have neither circumstance in my life currently. I work with pleasure and I rest with pleasure. Paradoxically, even though I am happy, I do not find contentment.

My well wishers tell me that I should not think so much. But is it not “normal” to think of existential questions? After all, what is this life if not lived purposefully?

My boss tells me that it is all related to monotony and that I am trying to find a purpose and meaning in “work”; while real purpose and meaning lies elsewhere. I buy that thesis – but where do I get that purpose? How do I effect it? – for I know my purpose...

Is it that we give meanings in life? And live that meaning? Like a dear friend told me, “we all live the meaning we give to life – we do not live life.” How true – I ascribe meanings to all the things of life – the colour of the hat, the manner of speech, the socio-educational-economic background, the shoes worn. All are but meanings.

I remember JK who wrote somewhere that between someone in quest for inner peace and another in quest for hedonistic pleasure, there is no difference at a fundamental level. Both of them are still seeking; and real contentment comes not from seeking but from a deep understanding. From a deep understanding of what is and what should be.

Is it simply another phase of life? Or is it a desire to understand? I don’t know. I used to feel like Siddhartha earlier – in quest. But now while I am like Siddhartha, I do not feel like him.

I feel like myself. And “In Quest.”